Hardly Kerouac

[sawyl]

The time has come for me to write a tedious essay about what I did on my holiday, if only to provide proof positive that my primary education wasn't a waste of time: I might have reached the age of 11 without being able to write, spell or do any form of maths, but at least I know how to structure a dull piece of prose on the subject of vacation activities.

Day 1: My folks were supposed to turn up in Ex at 9am but, thanks to the extra leverage granted by her acrylic nail extensions, my sister managed to rip her thumb nail off and they were delayed. Got to Padstow at about midday, my mum and I picked up the keys to the cottage while the rest of the gang went to the Treyarnon. On the way to the beach, my mum managed to have a near nervous breakdown after we got lost for the 5th time and in the end YT was forced to get behind the wheel. We met up with the others an hour after we said we were going to meet them and in a state of neurotic crisis.

Day 2: Went to Porthcothon beach. Walked to Constantine Bay and back in the morning and St Merryn in the afternoon while the kids and my sis lazed on the beach. Forced to watch cricket by my father and my uncle. V. dull.

Day 3: Padstow first thing. Mooched around while my niece fished in the harbour and my pa wandered around the shops. Off to Tescos and then on to, yes you've guessed it, Porthcothon. Got in a strop. Walked back to the cottage and caught up on some reading.

Day 4: Porthcothon yet again. Went to a kiddy's farm in the morning. The younger generation seemed to enjoy it, but the adults were pretty bored. Met the rest of the gang at the beach for lunch, then walked to Mawgan Porth and back in the afternoon. Kids starting to look sunburnt. YT, thanks to an unflattering floppy sun hat and factor 30 suncream, remained relatively unburnt.

Day 5: Kids wanted to go fishing, so to Padstow early. Fishing trips were all booked up so we took the ferry to Rock. Went to Daymer Bay to check out the yobbish aristo's beach of choice. Cooked macaroni cheese for supper. V. good.

Day 6: Kids went in to Padstow to go fishing. Everyone decided that the boy was too young, so he and my pa went on a boat trip round the bay while my sis and the girl went fishing. They caught 12 mackerel for supper and my sis batted her eyelashes at the fisherman and got him to gut them for her. YT plus sundry others went down the cost to Holywell for a short walk round to the family bay, a quick look around my mum's childhood holiday destination of Crantock. It started to rain while we in the pub car park, we had a big row and eventually decided that afternoon was going to be a wash out and headed back to the cottage.

Day 7: Trevone beach. Walked round the headland to Padstow, mooched around the town and came back. Seriously windy and kinda threatening rain. Started to tidy the cottage. Had fish and chips (or just chips in my case) from Stein's shop for supper.

Day 8: Tidied up, did the vacuuming, headed in to Padstow to hand back the cottage keys. While in an area with cell phone coverage, I got harangued by one of the chair moisteners for work about some sort of disc problem and after attempting to talk him through something, gave it up as a lost cause and told him to speak to the engineer. Thanks to Cornwall's crummy cell reception, I spent most of the rest of the day out of range. Got home in the afternoon and mooched, thankful for a bit of peace and looking forward to a night's sleep undisturbed by the kids waking me up at dawn to complain about being hungry.

All in all, not a bad holiday, even if I did come back with an ear infection that makes everything off to my left sound like it's under water. At least I've still got all my finger nails attached, which is more than I can say for some people...