Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing

The Guardian has an interview with Pearl about her new role in Dr Who...

ETA: ...and another one, this time from New York Comic-Con...

Apalapucia. Second destination for the discerning inter-galactic travel. Because No 1 is hideous. It's a set of lift doors. Amy has a twitter feed. Press a button: Sensible Rory picks green. Because what kind of tool picks red. Oh, Amy. That's who. Amy through the magnifying glass: "Time's gone wobbly. I hate it when it does that" Rory can't handle the hand bot. "Where have you been? I've been here a week!" "Two different time streams running parallel but at two different speeds. Amy, you're in a faster time stream!" But Amy's no longer in the Red Waterfall room: "It's never simple!" Infodump: the planet is under quarantine for a plague that kills in a day; the plague only affects two hearted races, so that's the Doctor out of things; Red Waterfall time is compressed; the time glasses sync up the two time streams; the green anchors can watch their loved ones live out their lives in a single day. Rory's right: it's horrible. The Doctor has a plan: hack the time glass and use the TARDIS to break through, while Amy hides in the facility and tries not to get killed by the handbots' incompatible drugs.

"Glasses are cool. Hello Rory cam." The Doctor has stalker gear? Two Streams looks a lot like an empty airport. Clom has a Disneyland? Killing with kindness? Thematic statement! So that's what the handbots keep in their heads. Welcome to Aperture Science. Time to escape through the vents. "Eyes front soldier!" Rory is distracted by the Venus de Milo meanwhile Amy checks out the freaky topiary in the garden. The AI isn't all that smart. But Amy is: she short circuits the handbots and works out a way to hide close to the temporal engines. The Doctor works out how to see everyone. "Are they happy?" "Oh Rory, trust you to think of that!"

Nice job on Karen Gillan's make up. "I think the time stream lock might be a bit wobbly" No kidding. Kendo Amy is hyper-capable and maybe not so keen on the Doctor as Original Amy. And also, seems to have been wearing the same trousers for the last 40 years. Maybe it's something to do with compressed time. "I don't care that you got old. I care that we didn't grow old together" Cast Away. "Survive, because no-one's going to come for you. Number one lesson" The Doctor homes in on the regulator valve. Amy wears the stalker glasses. "They look ridiculous." "That's what I told him. Still anything beats a fez, eh?" Drink! Rory can still make Kendo Amy laugh. Mime work. "Out of then and into the now!" The Doctor has a plan to create two Amy's but Kendo Amy spots the obvious problem: she'll cease to exist if they rescue Original Amy. Rory calls the Doctor on his slapdash attitude to travel.

Original Amy tries to convince Kendo Amy. Recursion. But this time it's different: "I'm going to pull time apart for you!" Kendo Amy wants escape on the TARDIS: "Can that work?" "I dunno. It's your marriage" I'm definitely in the demographic for this episode. Technobable! The though so powerful it can rip through time is the macarena? The echo is a nice touch. Temporal feedback. Original Amy's hockey skills come in handy. Time to route around. Teleports vs time jumps. Rory's discomfort at Amy's flirtation is nicely done. Kendo Amy kicks handbot arse. "Do not be alarmed. This is a kindness" All the worse because the hanbots, unlike the daleks, really think they're helping — they just can't no for an answer.

Original Amy is down for the count. Time to use the Mona Lisa as a weapon. Time to grab the girl and run for the TARDIS. Time to remember Rule 1: the Doctor lies. Hair splitting: is preventing someone's existence the same as killing them? Time for Rory to choose: Kendo Amy understands, because she used to be Original Amy, but she still can't forgive. She knows she's going to fight for her life, so she asks for her chance to escape to be taken away: "Don't let me in. Tell Amy, your Amy, I'm giving her the days. The days with you. The days to come. The days I can't have." And Kendo Amy is gone, as if she never existed. As always, the Doctor dodges the hard questions and leaves Rory to break the news, because although the Amy he betrayed never existed, he's still betrayed her one way or another...

Wheat field. Amy with a map full of arrows. We're crop circling. Should they be using an app for that? Mels' muscle car, in contrast to Rory's retro mini. "Doctor not following this. Doctor very lost..." Close your eyes and think of Dawn Summers. "Time travel. That's just brilliant" Thematic statement! "You've got a time machine. I've got a gun. What the hell. Let's kill Hitler!" Greatest line ever? Retcon. Amy's total confusion over Rory. Love the cut from the TARDIS model to the real thing. Temporal grace = clever lie. Hah! South Wales doubles for 30s Berlin. Complete with a shape changing robot full of miniature people and murderous antibodies. Someone's been reading Isaac Asimov.

The TARDIS interrupts the robot's mission. To kill Hitler. Oops. "Believe me, it was an accident" I love the read on that line. Rory punches Hitler and locks him in the stationary cupboard. So much for that. The tiny people reckon that the TARDIS is hiding a female war criminal. Mels proposes to the Doctor. "Penny in the air" She's Melody. And she's regenerating. Circular logic. "You got to raise me after all" Hello Alex. "I love it. I'm all, sort of, mature. Hello, Benjamin!" Someone's having way too much fun! "Oh, that's magnificent! I'm going to be wearing lots of jodhpurs!" Everyone else looks mildly appalled. The Doctor and River play I know you know. The sonic and letter knife duel is pure Harry Potter. "I'm a psychopath. I'm not rude." "Mummy, pay attention. I was born to kill the Doctor" Judas kiss. And, as always, she jumps out of the window.

Classic bit of nazi baiting. With added cleavage. "Can you ride a motorbike?" "I expect so. It's that sort of day..." The Doctor was killed on the shores of Lake Silencio? Clue there, I think. "Get me someone I like" Oooh, fan service. "Fish fingers and custard" Fancy nazi hotel, complete with Pachelbel's canon even though one of the scores quite clearly says "Johannes Brahms" on it. River makes an entrance and semi-naked people leave. "OK, I'm trapped inside a giant robot replica of my wife. I'm really trying not to see this as a metaphor." So that's why River ages backwards. "You killed the Doctor. On the orders of movement known as the Silence and the Academy of the Question." Robot Amy infodumps. While the Doctor takes the time to dress up like Fred Astaire. "At least I'm not a time-travelling, shape-shifting robot operated by miniaturised cross people which, I have got to admit, I didn't see coming" You and me both. The cross people explain: they use time travel to extract and punish people who've done wrong and send them to hell. More infodumpage: the Silence is a religious movement; their core belief is that Silence will fall when the Question is asked; the first Question, the oldest question in the universe, hidden in plain sight.

The robot sends river to hell and Amy triggers the robot's immune system. "You will experience a tingling sensation and then death" Ouch. The cross people have a Star Trek transporters. Time to escape through the eye. Now we know why River can fly the TARDIS. A word in private, presumably a confession of love, an identity is revealed and a sacrifice is made. Is it enough to balance the scales? "She'll be absolutely fine." "No. She won't. She will be... amazing" The Blue Book makes its first appearance and we know why River became/becomes an archaeologist: "I'm looking for a good man..."

A reprise of Dr Who catchphrases past. The acid finally comes in handy. "It's just so inspiring to hear me say it!" Narcissism much? I knew the shoes were going to be important! Just what is Jen painting? Acid + stone = poison gas. Check. "I think I coughed so hard I pulled a muscle" Foreshadowing. Jen has been turned to revolution by memories of previous incarnations. Amy is very confused about identity theory. "Being almost the Doctor is like being no Doctor at all" Callback to Human Nature. "There can be only one!" The Doctor's not a Highlander fan. Silver eyepatch lady. "It's a time memory. Like a mirage. Nothing to worry about" So. Not. True. Amy accidentally spills the Impossible Astronaut beans. But to which Doctor?

"You can't fake a burn" But you can fake an entire person. Jen plays the feeble female card and Rory falls for it. A million gallons of boiling acid? Check! The two Miranda's prove they're identical. "The eyes have it" So that's what Jen drew. Creepy. As is her extendo-jaw thing. "How long have we got?" "An hour? Five seconds? Somewhere between" Oh Rory, you are far too trusting. How come the phone works, when the link to the mainland doesn't? It's curtains for Jimmy: "I'm quite hansom from this angle!" Great last words. Except for Jen, all the gangers are very human: even the sacrifices are split between gangers and humans. The Doctor pulled the old switcheroo! And Amy fessed up to the wrong one! "It may not be the end" Leaving open the possibility of an Anubis Gates resolution. Glass and steel offices are still popular in the 22nd century.

Recap of the Doctor's original offer of fish and chips. "Shenanigans" The Doctor wanted to know how to block signals to the flesh. "You haven't been here for a long, long time" Since the end of the The Impossible Astronaut. And we're in silver eyepatch territory.

"I only wish I could go in your place... No I don't, because it's really going to hurt." Very Gaimanesque. The Doctor's mail face is a delight. Time to leave the universe and get soul snatched. Ten years on and we miss Douglas Adams as much as ever. Love the glowing washing machine. "Keep back from this one. She bites" "Do I? Excellent! It's like kissing, only there's a winner!" Suranne Jones is beyond superb, both here and throughout. And also super cryptic. I love Auntie and Uncle's accents. House, though, is HAL level creepy. Auntie has mismatched hands — never a good sign. Nice gibberish. "You want to be forgiven?" "Don't we all?" Thematic statement! The bogus errand is totally bogus. Oh noes; misled by mail spool. Amy cracks the bogus errand.

"Ah, it's my thief. It's about time." Love the dialogue. Also the acting. "When you stole me. And I stole you." Fan service. Green glowing console: that can't be good. It isn't. "And we're in the TARDIS, so we're safe." Think again. The tragedy of mortality. "Do you have a name? 700 years; finally he asks!" Hah! They really are like a married couple. House is a sadist? Colour me unsurprised. "So entertain me. Run." Love the junkyard vista. So that's what the TARDIS corridors look like.

"You have never been very reliable... You didn't always take me where I wanted to go!" "No but I always took you where you needed to go" Thematic statement? Ah bulkhead doors: the staple of every SF chase sequence. "I wanted to see the universe so I stole a Time Lord and ran away." M. Gaiman, with this fan service you are really spoiling us. Disturbing graffiti is way disturbing. Rory is dead again. Foreshadowing? "Which one's Amy? The pretty one?" The TARDIS has a thing for Rory! Love the way the lighting changes as the POV switches. It's something nasty in dark 2.0. Crimson: is that the Soviet flag? Recursion. House knows some nasty tricks. But so does the Doctor.

"I just wanted to say hello. Hello Doctor. It's so very, very nice to meet you." I seem to have something in my eye. Eyes. Damn it.

The goggles are terribly steampunk, especially with the rest of the costume. "The only water in the forest is the river" Foreshadowing much? "I should probably make you two a new bedroom" "OK, um, Doctor, this time could we lose the bunk beds?" It's a miracle Amy managed to get up the duff, what with the ladders and all. "Are you there? Can you hear me? OK. The Eye of Orion, or wherever we need to go..." Because it couldn't really end any other way.

Three months later. Amy is running away from a bunch of G-men, but where has she come from? Canton is suddenly evil and the flashback doesn't explain it. Area 51! What's the point of the yellow line? False beard is totally FALSE. "I see you" The fnords are even creepier than the angels. River: BASE jumper extraordinaire. If the bricks are the densest thing in the universe, how come the scientists can move them by hand? "Nothing gets through that" Except, presumably, something that can travel in time. Evil Canton catchs Rory on a dam in Utah. "Looks aren't everything" Thematic statement? The prison/evil thing was a bluff. Who'd have guessed it? "It's not Apollo 11. That would be silly! It's Neil Armstrong's foot." Longest cold open ever.

Recap time: fnords are real; memories can be edited; they've spent the last three months tracking them; and someone really liked Memento. That's not nanotech. It's more like centitech. Telepathic connection? Still haven't learnt the lessons of Silence in the Library, have we? I guess it beats scribbling all over yourself. Nice setup of the post-hypnotic thing — very creepy. Welcome to Arkham. Amy's been raiding Dana Scully's wardrobe; it totally suits her. The administrator is fantastic: vulnerable and crazy and damaged. "There's always a bit left over, isn't there?" How much worse to be stuck in a haunted house when you're unable to remember the monsters and the only clue is frantic voice mail from yourself?

The Doctor is being held prisoner in the Large Shandon Lecture Theatre? Been there, done that, know the feeling. Nixon glad-hands. River and Rory look seriously 60s. "No I think she's just dreaming" Woman with the silver eye has got to be a foreshadow. Photo of Amy with a baby. "How can that be?" Return of astro-child and yet another lacuna. Dear fnord: you may be able to alter memories, but that doesn't make you invulnerable. "You have to tape everything that happens in the office" Oh [expletive deleted]! I knew the telepathy chips were a bad idea. Flashbulb memories: "Silence will fall" Ambiguous much?

"It's an exoskelton. Basically life support" An incubator? Bringing up baby, fnord style? The whole moon thing was just a blind to build a space suit? The fnord has never watched a Bond film. Charmingly imprecise confession of love from Amy. "Is this really important flirting?" The TV has bunny ears! Oh very clever. Matrix-style shoot out. Nixon worries about his legacy: "Dare I ask, will I be remembered?" Oh boy. "I think the moon is far enough for now, don't you Mr Delaware?" "I figured it might be..." More resignation than agreement. Alex Kingston: master of the look of barely suppressed agony. Is Amy having Schrödinger's baby? Is that's what a time-head looks like?

A sad day for Whovians with the death of the mighty Nicholas Courtney. Not just great as Brigadier Lethbridge-Stewart but, in more recent times, wonderful as the superannuated Inspector Lionheart in The Scarifiers — his double act with Terry Molloy's slightly dithery Professor Dunning was a great delight.

I'm impressed. This week's Torchwood series was really rather good. Far better than the previous series; it really seemed to benefit from being scheduled on consecutive evenings.

The 456 were a particularly inspired choice of villainous alien. All that creepy Wyndhamesque stuff with the world's children all speaking in unison was particularly effective; especially the way that, once the children had finished making their sinister group announcements, they instantly and immediately snapped back to their normal activities as if nothing had happened.

I also thought that the physical portrayal of the aliens was particularly good. The decision to keep them largely unseen really added to their creepiness and gave the impression that they might be capable of anything. The long pauses in their dialogue and their uncertain responses also worked particularly well and really cranked up the tension — you could never be entirely confident that they weren't about to flip out until their reply came through the translator.

The guest cast, too, particularly good. Peter Capaldi was great as John Frobisher, the reluctant and, when the occasion demanded it, ruthless civil servant given the task of managing first contact with aliens — I loved the way the character transformed, from being self-doubting and slightly vulnerable with his human colleagues, into a strong, certain negotiator when dealing with the alien emissary. Susan Brown, who played Frobisher's deputy, Bridget Spiers, was wonderful, especially in her scenes with Frobisher's new PA.

I also thought that the politicians were rather good. Brian Green, the PM, with his Pilate-like refusal to dirty his hands in the sordid business of the aliens and his determination to focus on the political bottom line was very nicely played by Nicholas Farrell. There were a couple of excellent moments towards the end where he sits, apparently ignored by all around him, only to pick himself up a few minutes later and come out with some breathtaking piece of political cynicism that really seemed to hit the mark. And the way that his authority was undercut by his Home Secretary, played by Deborah Findlay, who chose to step into the space left by her vacillating Prime Minister, was very nicely handled — the moment when Findlay's character finally says the unsayable, that the UK could well do without 300,000 underachieving children, was brilliantly callous.

Rather bumpy Boxing Day, marred by a massive lunchtime row over my sister's less than wonderful table manners. After a temporary expulsion and an apology, peace was eventually settled with a game of Pictureka. When it became clear that my team had been prematurely hobbled — it's never a good sign when both pater and grandmother are both assigned to the same side when playing games of observation — I decided to opt out.

With the rest otherwise engaged, I sloped off to the study to watch the Dr Who Christmas Special on the iPlayer, which I rather enjoyed. I particularly liked the whole steampunk thing, which really suited the cybermen and the delightfully sinister Miss Hartigan, and thought the whole David Morrissey misdirect was particularly nicely handled.

Then, with Dr Who safely watched, I returned in time to help out with the Guardian topical cryptic crossword. I think we managed to complete the whole thing, with the exception of the clue, "Block bridge spectator on big hand(6)", which turned out to be "kibosh", which completely confounded us.

Today's thing much liked: Max Warp, the most recent Dr Who audio drama. The bizarre premise — Top Gear in space meets an Agatha Christie murder mystery where nothing is quite what it seems — was wonderfully weird, while Graeme Garden and James Fleet were just superb as the respectively blustering and boring presenters of the best spaceship show in the seven galaxies.

Truly inspired.